Recently a friend who’s still very much in the trenches of parenting young children shared this quote
Wow, did that hit me as I was sitting in my office which until about 10 months ago had been my daughter’s bedroom for the 12 years we’d been living in this house. This quote is so true but at the time, I don’t think you really appreciate at.
It’s my daughter’s birthday this week which may be another reason that quote touched me. This is the first birthday that she’s celebrated away from home. I’m sure it was only yesterday that her little brother was so excited when his big sister turned 5 and he realised she was a whole hand old, as he held up 5 fingers to show her age. Now they’re both 4+ hands old!
As I look back over the years I’m reflecting on how quickly they went but I’m also thinking about what we did right and what I would do differently. I’d try to worry less and enjoy the moments more.
“The days are long but the years go quick.”
This was a very true saying I heard when my kids were younger.
So, what advice would I give to those still in the trenches?
How can you hold onto those moments, while you’re in the thick of it?
What’s the end goal?
First of all remember that the goal is to raise responsible adults who can function independently in the world.
What values do you want to pass onto your children? What’s important to you and what do you want your children to grow up believing or how do you want your children to grow up behaving. How are you attempting to model or pass on these values? Hint: you will be passing on beliefs and values whether you are intentional about it or not.
Pick Your Battles
Is this worth worrying about in the long run or fighting over now? Is it part of teaching an important life skill or will it not matter in five years time? Are they misbehaving because they are tired or is there some other factor which is affecting their behaviour?
What level of behaviour or messiness can you live with or deal with? This may be different at different times depending on what else is happening in life and what age your children are.
Dealing with all the Advice
Know that you’ll get lots of advice, take what’s right for you and leave the rest. Some things that work for someone else may not work for you and your child. Also some things that work for one of your children may not work for the other. One of may children could be moved whilst asleep fairly easily as a baby and the other couldn’t. One would go to sleep at rest time more easily if they had something to play with on their bed, the other needed no distractions.
Every child is unique. Do what’s best for them and what works for your family.
Remember this Too Shall Pass
Don’t worry if it feels like you’ve been doing something forever or you think you’re child’s getting too old for something, it will not last forever. Enjoy things whilst they still happen. My son used to like me lying with him for “two minutes” when he went to bed and it went on into the high school years but it had stopped well before he finished school. My daughter had a very special teddy bear (who was really the fifth member of our family). This teddy bear used to go everywhere with her but after the first week of preschool she only went everywhere with her whilst at home, eventually she stopped coming to breakfast & stayed in her room. Most things have there natural stopping point and eventually fade out.
Find Support for the Journey
The days are long but you don’t have to do it along. Find support from those who’ve gone before you and your peers who are at the same stage as you. Seek professional help if you need it.
Show Love
Tell and show that you love them often and in many ways. Once you work out their love language – physical touch, acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation and gifts – use this language to show that you love them. Continue to show love in all the ways though.
Practice gratitude
Find joy in the long days by practicing gratitude. Take time to think about or record what you’re grateful for regularly. You might have a gratitude jar, gratitude notebook or just take photos to reflect on. This is also something that you can encourage your children to do as well. You may even like to share highs, lows and buffaloes at the dinner table. Buffaloes are the weird or unusual things that happened in your day.
To The Mum of a Baby
This is a tough season but you will look back very soon and wonder where that baby went. Cherish the feeding times even if it is the middle of the night. All to soon you’ll have sleepless nights because you’re waiting for your kids to come home and wondering where they are. At least you know where they are right now, even if perhaps it is a little too much at times.
Cherish those baby smiles and all those firsts from first time they roll over, to crawling, to walking and everything in between. From the first tooth, to first solids to first time in a high chair, to first time in a big chair, to first time eating the same meal as you.
Walk away and leave them cry for a time if you need to, as long as they are fed and have a dry nappy they will be okay. Shut the door or a number of doors to block out the noise. Please know that you are doing a good job and they will turn out just fine, despite your failings (perceived or otherwise).
To the Mum of Toddlers
To the mum of toddlers, who now wishes her child would sit still after willing them to move and walk for so long, cherish this time. When I worked in child care I used to say that the Toddler room was the hardest room to work in, but also the one with the best stories. Write down some of those stories to remember in years to come. I tried to record one thing about each child every day, you can do that so easily now with a note app or just with photos.
When your child won’t stop talking and is always asking why and you just want them to be quiet for two seconds, remember that in all that talking and questioning they are learning. By continuing to answer, you show them that’s it’s okay to ask questions about anything and everything. You are also helping them learn.
You are your child’s first and most influential teacher. You have influence over your child their whole lives, not your whole life, their whole life. What you teach them and how you interact with them will stay with them for the rest of their lives. This is mostly a good thing, though sometimes you might wonder am I the best teacher for my child? Yes, you are. You have been given these children because they were meant to be raised by you.
They will do things which will exasperate you at this and every stage. Take a breath and count to ten before dealing with these exasperating situations. As per the baby stage make sure your child is safe and walk away if you need to.
Remember when you leave them in someone else’s care at this stage or any stage, that it is the actual moment of separation that can be hardest. If they or you are getting upset, don’t prolong this process. Let your child know what is happening, what they are doing, where you’re going and when you’ll be back. Then say good bye and leave. You can always check in later and see how your child is going and if necessary. The person caring for your child will always contact to you if necessary.
To the Mum of School Children
To the Mum of primary school aged children. If you haven’t left them in care too much before now, this really begins the process of letting them go. They will really start being influenced by their peers and others as they get older but you are still influential in their life.
Rest time on weekends and school holidays can be good for everyone in the house.
Remember that when your child says that everybody is doing such and such and why can’t I that probably means that no more than 80% are doing whatever and everybody is not doing it.
Another good line is “that’s what that family chooses, we’ve chosen to do it this way”. Neither way is right or wrong just different and probably chosen for different reasons.
To the Mum of Young Adults
Cherish the time you do get to spend with your independent children and be proud of the amazing young adults you’ve raised.
Keep the lines of communication open just like in every other stage and let them know that you love them and are there for them no matter what.
Advice I read around the time my daughter left home was call them, they might not call you. It seems to be true. My daughter does message me fairly frequently but rarely calls. I call her at least weekly and she’s more than happy to chat with me.
Things to Remember
There is so much more I could share but you don’t have time to read it, your too busy trying to cherish the moments before they leave the nest. So in closing here’s just a couple of points to remember:
- You are your child’s first and best teacher.
- You are the right parent for your child
- Seek advice from trusted sources and get help for the journey
- Do what’s right for you, your child and your situation
- Look for things to Cherish in every stage
- Cherish and take time for yourself as well
What advice would you give to Mums who are behind you on the journey of parenting?